the first chapter (of the second book)

Photo by JaneCane Photography / www.janecanephotography.com

Photo by JaneCane Photography / http://www.janecanephotography.com

change
verb \ˈchānj
: to become different
: to make (someone or something) different
: to become something else

Change is a fairly simple word with an equally simple definition. It can be a verb or a noun. I prefer the verb version, as it reflects something that is happening, something I can control help direct. I don’t like the noun version; it’s too passive.

I haven’t written anything for my personal blog since November 5, 2012. You could say a few things have changed since then. First, the name has changed. (Although, rest assured, my spirit is still just as sunshiny as it was previously.) This was a decision I didn’t take lightly, as I’m an advocate for facing our past and building on a personal brand; however … there also comes a time where we just need to let that shit go. My choice to create a new site has less to do with feelings of rejection, shame, bitterness and sadness; it has everything to do with being present, focusing on my future and leaving the past where it belongs: behind.

This is not intended to be a harsh reflection of any relationships in my life – romantic or otherwise – I’m simply referencing the fact that I had hit rock bottom for the … umm … third (?) time. And that was enough. I do not need to live there, rehashing those feelings, replaying those memories and berating myself for my mistakes. No one needs to live there. Ever.

I have debated re-starting my blog for months, even years. People have asked me about it, told me to keep writing and pushed me to start again. For some reason, the time wasn’t right then, but it is now.

Life’s funny like that. In the height of new change, I’m finding comfort in writing. I want it; I miss it. That desire and drive have been lacking during the last few years where I – and my life – have changed so much.

I have a three year old. Remember how I said I didn’t like kids? Yea, that still hasn’t changed. Expect exasperated parenting stories dripping with sarcasm, defeat and tears. I suppose I’ll throw in some good ones too.

Called a quick little audible in life and moved across the country. I have missed Colorado so much; it’s good to be home.

Found a job I love … actually two, as I recently accepted a promotion. It’s rejuvenating to be working in a field where your expertise intersects with your passions. It’s exciting and I’ve missed that.

My relationships have experienced great change. Friends have come and gone, some falling away, others gaining strength. I am grateful to have my people in Colorado. Being 1100+ miles away from family and best friends has been nothing short of challenging. I still miss them daily and am so happy to have chosen family here.

Perhaps the most powerful of changes have occurred internally. Parenting has forced me to give up my notion of perfection. (I did fight tooth and nail to hold on to it; however, eventually reality prevailed.) I have always had a somewhat laid back style, (I believe my mom’s famous line to me was always “You can’t go through life with this ‘whatever’ attitude, Shannon!”) and I think that has served me greatly over the last nearly four years.

I have a much better grasp on the important things in life. At 32, I’ve finally gotten over some of my insecurities, started trusting myself, learned to accept a compliment and even began loving the chaos of my life. Truly loving it. And one of the greatest things about all this is: I’ve been single. I stopped looking for someone else to make me feel those things and started doing it myself. Isn’t that a radical concept?

Recently, I exchanged emails with someone who said, “life is just not what I had thought or hoped for…right now.” My life was not what I thought of hoped for – for quite some time. And I have no problems acknowledging that, but I worked hard – really fucking hard – and made it through that. Kudos to this person for realizing she’ll work through it too.

Change is hard; change is scary. Sometimes it’s not in our control at all. But within that entire unknown – between the hard and scary – you grow. And that’s quite lovely.

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